angry girlfriend mistook our car for her cheating boyfriend's?

Well, today we got scared that the random guy who towed our car after it got the windows smashed and tire slashed and keyed yesterday was in fact stealing our car.

Living in Utah County sounds really nice right now. Or, at least anywhere we can afford to own a garage.

Mrs. Jensen, I still remember it

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul. 


-William Ernest Henley

nope nope nope

My hair color gives me away before I even open my mouth.*

Thinking this makes me feel immediately better. Maybe if I package all of my fears into little short sentences I can hide them under the bed of this Ibis hotel and forget about the fact that I am still not even at the half way mark.

Here I am in Toulouse, with a suitcase I can’t lift and mascara that won’t stop running.

Take me home. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.

*French people, besides never straightening their hair, also never dye it blonde. and there are very few natural blondes here.

if it kills me

I SWEAR I'M NEVER GOING TO GRADUATE.

That's all I have to say about that.

Actually, I have a lot to say about that, but it hurts to much to think about and then I'd have to pull up my life plan excel spreadsheet and start rambling off on chemistry classes with scary names, and study abroad, and ballroom tours, and it just wouldn't make any sense to anyone but my mom (and maybe Josh).

Let me just complain once again about how nervous I am about this semester and what I'm supposed to be doing and blah blah blah blah blah.

I need a nap.

The problem is, I liked all my classes too much and therefore want to take them all.

I want to flip open my text book and find a handwritten message.
I want to look up and see a plane writing it in the sky.
I want to trip over a rock and find it in sidewalk chalk.

"You need to take [insert class here]. It will be the most beneficial to you and make you happiest this semester.

-God"

I hope that's not too sacrilegious of me...

Alas, I fear this is one of those take-a-step-into-the-dark-and-then-figure-out-whether-you've-made-the-right-choice type of deals. Ugh. Help.

Sometimes, you just want to scream.

I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable,


I SOUND MY BARBARIC YAWP OVER THE ROOFS OF THE WORLD


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me in a nutshell

I push the elevator button and then walk away and take the stairs.
That pretty much sums it up.

i'll be okay tomorrow.

Saddest lyrics ever:

Anyway, i can try anything it's the same circle that leads to nowhere and i'm tired now.
anyway, i've lost my face, my dignity, my look, all of these things are gone and i'm tired now.
but don't be scared, i found a good job and i go to work every day on my old bicycle you loved.
i'm piling up some unread books under my bed and i really think i'll never read again.
no concentration, just a white disorder everywhere around me, you know i'm so tired now.
but don't worry i often go to dinners and parties with some old friends who care for me, take me back home and stay.
monochrome floors, monochrome walls, only absence near me, nothing but silence around me.
monochrome flat, monochrome life, only absence near me, nothing but silence around me.
sometimes i search an event or something to remember, but i've really got nothing in mind.
sometimes i open the windows and listen people walking in the down streets. there is a life out there.
but don't be scared, i found a good job and i go to work every day on my old bicycle you loved.
anyway, i can try anything it's the same circle that leads to nowhere and i'm tired now.
anyway, i've lost my face, my dignity, my look, all of these things are gone and i'm tired now.
but don't be scared, i found a good job and i go to work every day on my old bicycle you loved.
mochrome floors, monochrome walls, only absence near me, nothing but silence around me.
monochrome flat, monochrome life, only absence near me, nothing but silence around me.

Last year I was good at everything. This year I feel mediocre at everything.
Slipping
slipping
slipping
spreading
spreading
spreading too thin
too tired
too lost.
I...don't even know what to say. I'm struggling to remember how to work my magic, how to make it all pull together in the end. It's all just falling apart...I don't even know what I do with my time anymore. I rarely practice, I never study chemistry or French or physics, I never work in the lab, in fact the only thing I do consistently is read for my D&C class, but I'd be doing that anyway so it doesn't really count. And yet I still feel like I have no time, that I've always got "something" going on. What am I doing?! Well you know what, I need to snap out of it already. This is ridiculous. I can't believe I am practically throwing away everything for which I have worked so hard for 10+ years. I have never gotten anything below an A-. Never. Not in elementary school, not in junior high, not in high school, not in college so far. Everyone says this crap about grades not mattering anymore, but you know what, when I get As I earn them because I learn the material. I'm not learning anything now. I'm just going through the motions. In fact, I'm often not even doing that much. D&C: I haven't stayed awake in that class in months. Physics: I think I just scored below 20% on my last test. I hate it. This is not me.
Someone please slap me and spoon feed me self control. I can't handle anything.

And why the akjflk;dja;dfahdnc is BYU's website so dang slow? I just want to register for classes so I can go to bed.

:'(

Just like glass

I feel so fragile.

I want to come home and make myself dinner. I want to love my classes again. I want to stop feeling guilty for every moment I don't spend with my head buried in a textbook. I want to learn concepts instead of just throwing answers on a page because it's due in two hours. I want to feel smart again.

I can't...can't I caan't take freaking physics for two and a half more semesters!!! GAH it's killing me!!

I just want to sleep for days. Wake me up when my life is back to normal, and I have good grades again please.

I miss myself.

Fig Trees and Pisces

I wrote this earlier today. I'm feeling better now. :)

I have a nagging feeling that I am teetering towards drowning in things I do not understand or do not want to face. I have no control, but at the same time I have all the control. I am the master manipulator.
I promise I'm a nice person.
So why do I feel like such an ice queen?
Or maybe I'm just freaking out again, like I always do. Or maybe I just let things get too far. I don't know. I suck at soul searching and figuring myself out. Could someone please tell me who I am and what I'm thinking? I'm having a hard time piecing it together.

School started today. The weather was a perfect Indian summer. I enjoyed my classes. I went to work. I got food (finally).

I should go befriend my roommates or something.
But I just feel like crying.

Ender Will Save Us All

Oh goodness. I am such a silly girl.
This is what I have done for the past, ok, my entire life: every time any guy shows any interest in me, I back way off. WAY OFF. Even if I liked the guy in the first place!
I think I am afraid of relationships. I just cannot get comfortable with the idea of tying myself to someone else, even in the loosest of ways!
I don't know how to play this game. Every scrap of ability I have was not put into anything people-related.

And I'm sorry I'm such a control freak. Gosh, sometimes I look back on what I've done, and I'm like, what the heck was I thinking and why did no one slap me? Every project, every event, everything, I just have to bestow it upon myself to get my hands in all the details. Probably a good trait when it comes to school, but you know what, sometimes I should just chillax and let other people do something.

Ah, deedge. I ought to write something peppy about California. Soon to come, I promise.

Vienna

I hate money. I hate money. I hate money.

Why couldn't I just have stuck it out? It was almost over anyway. Every time I walk past the computer lab I see people from my class working on homework or lab reports, and all I can think is how I should be in there too. It has never crossed my mind how lucky I should feel to not have to do that...I'm just going to have to do it all again anyway.

GAH.

And I'm still missing my phone. If you need to get a hold of me, you'll have to call my home phone or facebook message me. MEh.

:|