Wednesday, November 5, 2008

i'll be okay tomorrow.

Saddest lyrics ever:

Anyway, i can try anything it's the same circle that leads to nowhere and i'm tired now.
anyway, i've lost my face, my dignity, my look, all of these things are gone and i'm tired now.
but don't be scared, i found a good job and i go to work every day on my old bicycle you loved.
i'm piling up some unread books under my bed and i really think i'll never read again.
no concentration, just a white disorder everywhere around me, you know i'm so tired now.
but don't worry i often go to dinners and parties with some old friends who care for me, take me back home and stay.
monochrome floors, monochrome walls, only absence near me, nothing but silence around me.
monochrome flat, monochrome life, only absence near me, nothing but silence around me.
sometimes i search an event or something to remember, but i've really got nothing in mind.
sometimes i open the windows and listen people walking in the down streets. there is a life out there.
but don't be scared, i found a good job and i go to work every day on my old bicycle you loved.
anyway, i can try anything it's the same circle that leads to nowhere and i'm tired now.
anyway, i've lost my face, my dignity, my look, all of these things are gone and i'm tired now.
but don't be scared, i found a good job and i go to work every day on my old bicycle you loved.
mochrome floors, monochrome walls, only absence near me, nothing but silence around me.
monochrome flat, monochrome life, only absence near me, nothing but silence around me.

Last year I was good at everything. This year I feel mediocre at everything.
Slipping
slipping
slipping
spreading
spreading
spreading too thin
too tired
too lost.
I...don't even know what to say. I'm struggling to remember how to work my magic, how to make it all pull together in the end. It's all just falling apart...I don't even know what I do with my time anymore. I rarely practice, I never study chemistry or French or physics, I never work in the lab, in fact the only thing I do consistently is read for my D&C class, but I'd be doing that anyway so it doesn't really count. And yet I still feel like I have no time, that I've always got "something" going on. What am I doing?! Well you know what, I need to snap out of it already. This is ridiculous. I can't believe I am practically throwing away everything for which I have worked so hard for 10+ years. I have never gotten anything below an A-. Never. Not in elementary school, not in junior high, not in high school, not in college so far. Everyone says this crap about grades not mattering anymore, but you know what, when I get As I earn them because I learn the material. I'm not learning anything now. I'm just going through the motions. In fact, I'm often not even doing that much. D&C: I haven't stayed awake in that class in months. Physics: I think I just scored below 20% on my last test. I hate it. This is not me.
Someone please slap me and spoon feed me self control. I can't handle anything.

And why the akjflk;dja;dfahdnc is BYU's website so dang slow? I just want to register for classes so I can go to bed.

:'(

4 comments:

kylie said...

katie, i'm so sorry you are feeling so crappy. i wish there was a way i could make it better. i send my love.

Jody Lynn said...

Oh Katie...I'm sorry love. I like the title of this post. It's so true that we'll snap out of these crappy feelings tomorrow.

Give yourself some time away from Homework, dance, etc. It helps...I promise. :) Give yourself a pedicure, read a good book, watch a 'stupid' movie. Ha. Go shopping! This Saturday baby!

Kim Allred said...

I'm sorry Katie. I hope you know that you're amazing, and you can deal with this. I love you.

Kristen said...

Katie! I'm sorry! I know how you feel babe! You can do it! You are so amazing and so talented. Cut yourself a little break, you don't have to be perfect. You already make the rest of us look bad. :-)