Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Fig Trees and Pisces

I wrote this earlier today. I'm feeling better now. :)

I have a nagging feeling that I am teetering towards drowning in things I do not understand or do not want to face. I have no control, but at the same time I have all the control. I am the master manipulator.
I promise I'm a nice person.
So why do I feel like such an ice queen?
Or maybe I'm just freaking out again, like I always do. Or maybe I just let things get too far. I don't know. I suck at soul searching and figuring myself out. Could someone please tell me who I am and what I'm thinking? I'm having a hard time piecing it together.

School started today. The weather was a perfect Indian summer. I enjoyed my classes. I went to work. I got food (finally).

I should go befriend my roommates or something.
But I just feel like crying.


Ash said...

Katie... what's going on...? :S

Are you okay? I know you said you feel better now... but... what's going on?

I'm here if you ever want to talk. K? Really. :) For anything. :) No matter how small or stupid you might think it is, if it's on your mind, it's not. :)

I love you hun! :) <3

Jody Lynn said...

I'm sorry honey. I used to feel this way all the time...still do...sometimes. Life is good, and I'm so blessed, yet sometimes I'm still not happy and feel like crying. I don't know if you're unhappy as well, or if you just feel like crying sometimes. Maybe it's change that's getting to you. This time of our lives isn't easy. We're all alone in the world trying to figure out who we are, what we're suppose to be doing, etc. Sometimes, I just want to grab some random guy off the street and date him just so I can have someone in my life. Seriously, I get that lonely. I remember last year, when everyone started leaving, and people were telling me they were leaving to school, and Europe, and traveling, etc., I was really upset. I didn't understand why people wanted to do that, because I didn't want to. I didn't feel like I was ready for something like that. I would cry and cry, because I felt like I was losing everyone. Then one day I just got over it. I guess I matured or something. I still get sad, but life moves on I guess. We can't stop that from happening. So glad I finally realized it.

Sorry...I don't really know what you're feeling, but when I read your post this is what I thought of. I should go back and read some of my posts from last year and see if they are even remotely close to what you're saying.

Jody Lynn said...

If you want to talk, I'm here too. :) Love you!

Jody Lynn said...

And after reading your post again, I'm getting the feeling you're not feeling the same way I am.

I don't know.....we should just talk or something.

Ash said...

Ah Jody. :) None of us are going to leave you. :)

But yeah, I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I used to cry all the time cause i had no idea who I was and was so lost, felt like I didn't want to do anything, be anywhere, be anything... but I hated what I was doing.
People kept telling me I'd figure it out, and that who I was probably wasn't far from who I thought I was before.
It's true. Yeah, there are things different. I think what was missing was the love I had for myself, and I didn't realize that how I felt about others was part of who I was.
So yeah. I'm figuring it out.

Who you are isn't defined by what you do, or what you have. It's how you feel about yourself, about the world. Passions you have for things like music, dance, chemistry, the gospel, love...
It's where you put your heart.
That is who you are.

I'm sorry you're feeling down. Like I said before, I'm always here for you hun. :) I LOVE YOU!! :)

Jody Lynn said...

Kind of like what Ashlan said, if you're not happy, then change yourself. Lets use me as an example. I wasn't happy up at Utah State, so I left.

I think it's important to focus on what makes us happy, what's important to us. But, we also have to focus on others.

Ash said...

Yay Jody!!

Ash said...

Yep. :) Just figure out where your heart is. :)

Katya said...

Thanks girlies for the comments. I love you both. The post wasn't about not knowing what I want with life per se...well kinda...more that I don't know what I want with guys. Eh. Anyway. I'll figure it out.

Ash said...

Hahaha. OOOOOH! :) Guys... :)

Yeah. You've got me there. :P