Friday, April 30, 2010

At Jesus's Feet

I do not want this to be a sad post.*

I was thinking about my grandma on my way home tonight. It still doesn't feel real to me. I was there at the hospital. I saw her hooked up to machines and IVs. I listened to the last things I'd ever hear her say, "Thank you for coming. I love you." *Dang. I'm already crying again. I was at the viewing. I said the prayer at the funeral and half sobbed through the song all the grandchildren sang. But it still hasn't sunk in.

I keep believing that I'll go up to my grandpa's house, and she'll be there in the kitchen asking me about dance or my summer plans, and after closely listening she'll say, "Oh honey, that's wonderful. I am so proud of you."

And when you heard her say those words, you knew she meant it. And you wanted to live in such a way that she would always be proud of you.

My grandma was the most compassionate person I know. I can't think of anyone who was better at knowing what people needed and being able to meet those needs. Last month when we went out for lunch for my birthday she was telling me about the homeless lady she'd befriended and how she'd give her food and chapstick and lotion for her weathered hands. She saw people's potential and loved them for who they are.

I miss her. I am her oldest grandchild; she gave me my first bath. I distinctly remember being completely distraught when she left after visiting my family while we were living in Indiana. I remember holding my blanket while crying in my parents' room where my grandparents had stayed and smelling something...peppermint? a certain perfume? because it reminded me of her. Here I am, some 15 years later, still that silly little girl. Grandma had to go back home.

But I will see her again.
And hopefully, when she asks about my life, and I fill her in on years of details of grad school and a wedding and children and whatever else happens to me she can say,
"Honey, I'm so proud of you,"
and that will be enough.


amanda said...

That was beautiful, and I seriously have tears in my eyes. I'm sorry for your family's loss! I love you!

Matt said...

A beautiful tribute.

Suzy said...

I love you Katie!

brown eyed girl said...

I second what the previous three comments say.

You are wonderful, and you must get that from your grandmother.

Love you!

Diane said...

well said Katie...made me cry. Grandma would love it.

jenny said...

What you wrote about your grandmother is so beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes. You are a wonderful young woman! I'm so proud that you are my niece!

mombeal said...

Thank you for sharing your comments. They brought tears to my eyes. Your grandmother would love to read your comments. But then I think she has done so. You are a great tribute to her and her memory. Your great aunt Bev

Josh said...

I know things haven't been the same between us since last October but when I heard that your Grandmother died... I... wished that we were still better friends. I loved your grandmother. She always wore a smile on her face that could warm the coldest day in Utah.

I remember the first time I met her. I instantly felt connected, instantly felt accepted. She loved me because you loved me. When Laura told me she passed away... I thought I was dreaming. I felt as though someone had just sucked all happiness from me.

I'm sorry Katie, for everything. I know this may not mean much to you and you may feel that I can't relate... May I just say that there was another on that day that secretly wept for your loss.

- J