Sunday, November 15, 2009

I lost the invincible summer somewhere in the last few hours.

I do not know what to think, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to act.
I don't believe that I've ever driven away sobbing from a competition. I am so tempted to cut my losses right now, walk away and be done forever. I have wasted so much time, so much of my parents' money, so much effort, and for what? To not make it past the quarterfinal in a single event while I watch all of my teammates dance the final?

No thanks.

Maybe it is time to be a chemist.

Because then I can get out of it exactly what I put in. The right answer is the right answer. I either know it or I don't. I don't have to worry about someone else's opinion. I don't have to worry if my hair, makeup, fake tan, costuming, etc etc etc are good enough. I don't have to watch myself crash and burn. I don't have to come up with some euphemism as an answer when people ask me how it went. (real answer: Basically it was the worst competition I've ever had and oh, I don't think I want to continue competing. fake answer: It just wasn't my best.) How embarrassing is it to walk around with the evidence of being a ballroom dancer, the nails, the fake tan, and have nothing to show for it? I can explain away one bad event, I can explain away two, but all three? How many flukes do I get?

I left the competition with the dance still in me. I wasn't even tired, except emotionally from crying. I think that was the saddest part.

Is this a message? Am I supposed to be done, stop taking lessons, sell my dresses and never look back?

Sounds like a pretty good option right now.
Peace out ballroom. I dislike you too.

6 comments:

Jen said...

Truthfully Katie, we're all shocked. Completely shocked. We sat there in disbelief, not even knowing what had happened.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can pass on advice recently given by a very wise boyfriend. If this is something you love as a hobby, give it that effort, because in the end, you want to be in a very academic field and ballroom dancing (or in my case, pageants) probably won't get you there.

That said.

You are extraordinarily talented dancer and I would miss your presence on the floor.

amanda and dave said...

I can't believe that either, especially having watched you dance for 7 years or something. That is so awful and I'm sorry. So sorry! I think you rock. I can egg all the judges' houses if you'd like.

Jody Lynn said...

Katie, I'm so sorry. I heard from your mother who told my mother who told me.

I do not know what to tell you, but I do know that I want to see you real soon, because I miss you very much.

Hope you're feeling a little bit better than last night at least.

Love you!

Linda Lou said...

Wow you feel like that too? I despise the emotional rollercoaster that comes with competing. I also REALLY dislike all the negative feelings it stirs up in me. I had a major crisis this Dancesport weekend. I asked alot of people's opinion, I prayed, I made a pros/cons list...at the end of the day, I still love to dance. So I'm going to try to do ONLY the parts of it that I love (performing & social dancing) and not the parts I hate (competing). I wish you luck in your decision(s)!

Kellie Rachelle said...

Oh Katie I wish I could give you a big hug! I agree with what Jen said. You love Ballroom (you know you do). Maybe just back off a bit, only do team for a semester, or only open Latin or Standard. Take a break, let yourself focus more on other things in your life but don't give it up completely. One awful, most likely unfair competition shouldn't kill your confidence. You're Katie Andrus!

Jill said...

I hear your frustration. Competition can be dancing again and again for a couple of peoples' fickle opinions in order to feel validated as a dancer. But here's another way to look at it: those judges cannot take from you what an amazing dancer you are by not calling you back for the next round. You've put in the work, you've improved as a dancer, and it shows to us even if it doesn't show to them. Those judges can't make you a better or worse dancer. It's easy to get caught up in the validation and the glory of winning (or disappointment of losing), but at the end o the day, you do get out what you put into it: you're still an amazing dancer! And if it makes you feel any better, Katie, I've been hearing your name called for years at competitions as either a winner or a finalist. We all know you're amazing; one bad competition can't possibly change that.