I do not know what to think, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to act.
I don't believe that I've ever driven away sobbing from a competition. I am so tempted to cut my losses right now, walk away and be done forever. I have wasted so much time, so much of my parents' money, so much effort, and for what? To not make it past the quarterfinal in a single event while I watch all of my teammates dance the final?
No thanks.
Maybe it is time to be a chemist.
Because then I can get out of it exactly what I put in. The right answer is the right answer. I either know it or I don't. I don't have to worry about someone else's opinion. I don't have to worry if my hair, makeup, fake tan, costuming, etc etc etc are good enough. I don't have to watch myself crash and burn. I don't have to come up with some euphemism as an answer when people ask me how it went. (real answer: Basically it was the worst competition I've ever had and oh, I don't think I want to continue competing. fake answer: It just wasn't my best.) How embarrassing is it to walk around with the evidence of being a ballroom dancer, the nails, the fake tan, and have nothing to show for it? I can explain away one bad event, I can explain away two, but all three? How many flukes do I get?
I left the competition with the dance still in me. I wasn't even tired, except emotionally from crying. I think that was the saddest part.
Is this a message? Am I supposed to be done, stop taking lessons, sell my dresses and never look back?
Sounds like a pretty good option right now.
Peace out ballroom. I dislike you too.
6 comments:
Truthfully Katie, we're all shocked. Completely shocked. We sat there in disbelief, not even knowing what had happened.
I can't tell you what to do, but I can pass on advice recently given by a very wise boyfriend. If this is something you love as a hobby, give it that effort, because in the end, you want to be in a very academic field and ballroom dancing (or in my case, pageants) probably won't get you there.
That said.
You are extraordinarily talented dancer and I would miss your presence on the floor.
I can't believe that either, especially having watched you dance for 7 years or something. That is so awful and I'm sorry. So sorry! I think you rock. I can egg all the judges' houses if you'd like.
Katie, I'm so sorry. I heard from your mother who told my mother who told me.
I do not know what to tell you, but I do know that I want to see you real soon, because I miss you very much.
Hope you're feeling a little bit better than last night at least.
Love you!
Wow you feel like that too? I despise the emotional rollercoaster that comes with competing. I also REALLY dislike all the negative feelings it stirs up in me. I had a major crisis this Dancesport weekend. I asked alot of people's opinion, I prayed, I made a pros/cons list...at the end of the day, I still love to dance. So I'm going to try to do ONLY the parts of it that I love (performing & social dancing) and not the parts I hate (competing). I wish you luck in your decision(s)!
Oh Katie I wish I could give you a big hug! I agree with what Jen said. You love Ballroom (you know you do). Maybe just back off a bit, only do team for a semester, or only open Latin or Standard. Take a break, let yourself focus more on other things in your life but don't give it up completely. One awful, most likely unfair competition shouldn't kill your confidence. You're Katie Andrus!
I hear your frustration. Competition can be dancing again and again for a couple of peoples' fickle opinions in order to feel validated as a dancer. But here's another way to look at it: those judges cannot take from you what an amazing dancer you are by not calling you back for the next round. You've put in the work, you've improved as a dancer, and it shows to us even if it doesn't show to them. Those judges can't make you a better or worse dancer. It's easy to get caught up in the validation and the glory of winning (or disappointment of losing), but at the end o the day, you do get out what you put into it: you're still an amazing dancer! And if it makes you feel any better, Katie, I've been hearing your name called for years at competitions as either a winner or a finalist. We all know you're amazing; one bad competition can't possibly change that.
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