Friday, May 11, 2012

five months

Whenever someone says "before Zach died" or "after Zach's death," my brain doesn't know how to handle it. It doesn't compute. Or when I'm in a really good mood and suddenly see his picture, it's almost confusing. Like I've forgotten and suddenly have to remember all over again. Something about happy feelings just doesn't fit with Zach not being here. I think things are getting better though, at least for me and Aaron. We are busy with school, and we're in a place that harbors no trace of Zach but the pictures we've put up. I cry less frequently, and I think my fear of having children is starting to lessen a little. We don't have to see the empty bedroom, with the bed that stays made, or be in the quiet house, or notice the missing drumset from the garage.

You know what I think makes me saddest, for some reason? Thinking about his mom decorating his grave to match the seasons. A heart wreath for February, Easter wreath for April, flowers in mom should have to do that. No parent should have to bury their child. 

But that's what Mark and Wendy did. And they've carried it so well. I have been in awe of their strength. I could not do what they've done with such grace and such faith. 

I hope I never have to.


Wendy wrote this a couple months ago, and it really speaks volumes to what an amazing person she is.
 This post by Rachel, his sister, is also incredibly inspiring.
And, here's another one written by Aaron about his experience and what he's learned through all this.

Whenever I think about posting some emo post about how sad I am blah blah blah I remember these and think if they can pull it together, losing a son and brother, I can too.


amanda said...

great post. I like the line about "somehow happiness doesn't seem to belong here.." (ok that was the worst recall ever). and the posts you linked to were amazing!

Kristen said...

I can relate to so much of what you's hard to believe so much time has passed since December. So many things have changed, yet my life here in VA is basically unchanged. I can't imagine facing the heartache and loss everyday. But each of us suffered a different loss, personal and unique to us, and have to find our own healing process. Thanks for sharing. :-)

Sara said...


wendy said...

I was looking at the stats on my blog & then looked at the "traffic sources." I saw that your blog was linked there and clicked on it. It pulled up your "five months" post--which I had never seen until today. I cried reading your sweet message. And then, I cried even more as I read it to Mark.

I just want to say thank you for your words and for how deeply they touched me. You are LOVED and have a very special place in our hearts.

I never cease to be amazed at how the Lord answers my prayers~He certainly did today by having me read this post!

I love you IMMENSELY!! ((hugs)) Wendy