five months

Whenever someone says "before Zach died" or "after Zach's death," my brain doesn't know how to handle it. It doesn't compute. Or when I'm in a really good mood and suddenly see his picture, it's almost confusing. Like I've forgotten and suddenly have to remember all over again. Something about happy feelings just doesn't fit with Zach not being here. I think things are getting better though, at least for me and Aaron. We are busy with school, and we're in a place that harbors no trace of Zach but the pictures we've put up. I cry less frequently, and I think my fear of having children is starting to lessen a little. We don't have to see the empty bedroom, with the bed that stays made, or be in the quiet house, or notice the missing drumset from the garage.

You know what I think makes me saddest, for some reason? Thinking about his mom decorating his grave to match the seasons. A heart wreath for February, Easter wreath for April, flowers in May...no mom should have to do that. No parent should have to bury their child. 

But that's what Mark and Wendy did. And they've carried it so well. I have been in awe of their strength. I could not do what they've done with such grace and such faith. 

I hope I never have to.

*******

Wendy wrote this a couple months ago, and it really speaks volumes to what an amazing person she is.

 This post by Rachel, his sister, is also incredibly inspiring.

And, here's another one written by Aaron about his experience and what he's learned through all this.

Whenever I think about posting some emo post about how sad I am blah blah blah I remember these and think if they can pull it together, losing a son and brother, I can too.