everything is most precious while sleeping

I wrote this meandering draft back in April before I was pregnant and just re-read it today. I'm 7 months pregnant now and still a bit apprehensive about losing a lot of personal freedom, but that's been overshadowed by concern that the baby will get here healthy (everything looks fine so far, so I have no reason to believe otherwise but I worry still), and we'll give him a good life. Sacrificial Mormon mom kicked in after all. I got the cute bookcase (it's this one) but haven't decided yet on the pricey blanket. Indecision! It's part of my brand.

Anyway, it's interesting to see the difference a few months make. Here's what was in my head a while ago.

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This is Ruby. Ruby is my dog, my French bulldog puppy, currently almost 8 months old. She was kind of an impulse purchase, thanks to Aaron's local classifieds browsing. We didn't know what we were getting ourselves into. I cried on the floor alone at least three times while dealing with Ruby while Aaron was at work and I didn't know what I was doing. We were pretty sleep-deprived for the first couple of months when her bladder was so tiny she had to go to the bathroom every couple of hours and whined a lot at night. That was a dark time.

But it got better. She's house trained now and is pretty good about not chewing on things that aren't toys (except every rug in the house but it's better than shoes I guess). She loves people and other dogs and is very playful. She also costs a lot of personal freedom and also costs a lot of cold hard cash. Daycare, lots of vet visits, food, toys, more vet visits, and more daycare is eating up a lot of our discretionary spending.

Anyway, having Ruby is both like having a child and also not like having a child a lot. Aaron thought having a dog would make me less lonely but actually, I feel more lonely, maybe because Ruby is so obviously not a human that for some reason it just reminds me that I am alone a lot since Aaron works all the time, and we have no kids. So that's a little depressing. But at the same time, she makes me glad I don't have kids because then I'd have even less personal freedom, and I already resent the small dip in personal freedom getting Ruby already cost me. And THEN I feel sad that I feel apprehensive about losing personal freedom by having children because that's not very sacrificial Mormon mom of me, now is it?

I've been looking at baby quilts on Crate and Barrel and I already know which one I want to buy whenever it is I get pregnant. Which, who knows when that will be? I've got $40 left on a gift card that I'm saving for it. Now who's being selfish! I'm doing this for YOU future child!! A baby quilt that you probably won't even get to touch because it's over $100 and way too beautiful for all the bodily fluids that accompany babies.

The baby quilt browsing quickly spread to kids' bookcases, which, in case you weren't aware, are adorable. Like, really, really cute. There are at least four that I want to buy from Crate and Barrel alone. All I want for my future baby is a lot of freaking books.

Why is it that kids get all the cute bookcases? Regular bookcases are generally pretty ugly. I know because I've been looking for years to replace my mocha Target bookcases I've owned for 7 years, and all of the sleek minimalist ones are not practical for actually storing books. They have open sides so you better have some real sturdy bookends if want to fill the shelves with books and not your floor. The cutest book storage options I've seen on design-y blogs are always either built-ins (renting, so not an option) or straight up shelves attached to the wall (also, renting, not ideal, I am uncomfortable with holes in walls).

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Puppies -> babies -> bookcases. Never did get around to writing up an actual ending to the post, I suppose. But there you go.

2019: so far, so good

Some fun things I've been into lately:

Next time you need chocolate frosting, this is your recipe. It's rich and chocolatey without being overly sweet. It also pipes like a dream and makes enough to frost ~30 cupcakes.

16 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened (this is not a health food)
3/4 cup (3 oz) powdered sugar
1/2 cup (1 1/2 oz) unsweetened cocoa powder
pinch of salt
1/2 cup light corn syrup
3/4 teaspoon vanilla extract (I ran out and didn't use any-still delicious!)
6 oz bittersweet chocolate, melted and cooled (I used semisweet since it's what I had on hand)

In a food processor, combine butter, sugar, cocoa, and salt until smooth, about 30 seconds, scraping down the sides of the bowl as needed. Add the corn syrup and vanilla and process until combined, 5 to 10 seconds. Add chocolate and pulse until creamy, 10 to 15 seconds. Frost!! Can be stored in the fridge if you're making it in advance (just pull it out about an hour before you want to use it so it will spread easily).

These Neapolitan butter cookies are fun and delicious. They look pretty, and the striped effect is easy; all you have to do is smoosh the dough in a loaf pan in three layers. No rolling pin required.

Have you seen A Series of Unfortunate Events on Netflix? We just finished it, and it's great! I loved it. I'm also very into the song at the end of the season, which also made me miss Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog (this song!!!! so powerful).

Worth being on Twitter for this Cats thread (the musical, not like the animal in general)

Also liking: Shallow by Lady Gaga and whats-his-name and this related article! Makes me want to respond with that howl to pretty much everything.

The first three books I've read in 2019 are GOOD. The Carpet Makers by Andreas Eschbach (sci-fi, almost a collection of short stories as tightly woven as the human hair used to make the titled carpets), Becoming by Michelle Obama (she's such an impressive woman, loved reading about her life), and Spinning Silver by Naomi Novik (I decided you have to read this in winter curled up with a giant blanket, it's sort of a retelling of Rumpelstiltskin set in Russia/Eastern Europe with a similar vibe to The Bear and the Nightingale, which I also loved).

NEW MUSE ALBUM. ETA: this song from it is my current favorite. I love the guitar solo; I call it mournful Beach Boys in space, and it's so lovely. Next month I'm going to their concert for my birthday, and I can't wait!!!! Walk the Moon is opening for them, and I'm also excited about that!!!!

That's all I had to say! 2019, off to a great start.

books of 2018

I set a goal to read 37 books this year (one more than last year). I guess when you're out of academia and don't really have a social life and get off work at 5:00 pm you can read a lot more because this was not even hard. I ended up reading 41 books and didn't feel like I was really going out of my way to do it. So yay reading! Yay for Durham having a decent library!

Sci-Fi
The Fifth Season by N. K. Jemisin
The Obelisk Gate by N. K. Jemisin
The Stone Sky by N. K. Jemisin
The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell (This was my favorite book I read all year. Jesuit mission to newly-discovered planet goes terribly awry, and we explore how faith holds up when nothing goes according to plan. It was SO GOOD)
Iron Gold by Pierce Brown
Parable of the Sower by Octavia E. Butler

Fantasy
The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch (This series is so much fun, like Ocean's 11 if there were fewer people in the crew and more medieval-ish settings.)
Red Seas Under Red Skies by Scott Lynch
Republic of Thieves by Scott Lynch
Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman
The Girl in the Tower by Katherine Arden

Non-fiction
Bad Blood by John Carreyrou (What a page turner!)
The Woman Who Smashed Codes by Jason Fagone
L'appart by David Lebovitz (Hi, I never want to buy an apartment in Paris now, thanks David.)
The Gene by Siddhartha Mukherjee (Hard to get through, tbh, Emperor of All Maladies was better imo)
The Radium Girls by Kate Moore (Horrifying depiction of what happened to girls in watch factories who painted the watch dials with radium-laced paint. ugghh man. Radioactive material does not belong in your body.)
Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott

Memoir-y
Educated by Tara Westover
And Now We Have Everything by Meghan O'Connell (very funny reflections on motherhood)
What Happened by Hillary Rodham Clinton
Hillbilly Elegy by J. D. Vance
Lab Girl by Hope Jahren (This was LOVELY - recommended especially for women in science but probably equally enjoyable if you are not.)
Where the Past Begins by Amy Tan
Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates
The Book of Mormon Girl by Joanna Brooks
Shrill by Lindy West

Of Course I Couldn't Go a Year without Reading SOMETHING by Brandon Sanderson
Skyward by Brandon Sanderson

Sort of Historical
Pachinko by Min Jin Lee (This was the historical part.)
Pope Joan by Donna Woolfolk Cross (This was the sort of part - Pope Joan's existence is still a matter of debate.)

The Movie Was Better (Because The Movies are Very Good)
To All the Boys I've Loved Before by Jenny Han
Crazy Rich Asians by Kevin Kwan
Stardust by Neil Gaiman (I probably would've liked this more if I had read it before seeing the excellent movie like 8 times.)

Re-reads
Number the Stars by Lois Lowry
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J. K. Rowling (I went to go buy some of the HP books I'm missing from Barnes and Noble-I've slowly been stealing them from my parents for years-and I couldn't find them because I didn't realize they're in the CHILDREN'S SECTION! Like even though I first read this book in fifth grade I didn't put together that Harry Potter is a children's book series. I was looking through adult and YA fantasy sections and finally had to ask an employee where they were.)
Interpreter of Maladies by Jhumpa Lahiri (This is such a beautiful collection of short stories, you should read it, for the last paragraph of the last story alone.)

Odd Ones Out
The Woman in the Window by A. J. Finn
The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas
East of Eden by John Steinbeck (HOW have I not read this book before this year? It was PHENOMENAL. I'm out of practice of reading classics, and I still blazed through it because it is so readable. Absolutely loved it.)
Mother's Milk by Rachel Hunt Steenblik

Holy cow, I did not realize I read so many memoirs this year. That was unintentional, but fun. The best books I read this year were The Sparrow, East of Eden, Educated, and Bad Blood, though so many of these books were great. A good reading year!

Looking forward to consuming ever more reading material in 2019, and already kicking things off with more memoirs (hi Michelle Obama and Julia Child). Anything else I should be reading?

see previous book lists here: 2016, 2017