the night is darkest just before the dawn

My oscillation between despair and joy continues, as this afternoon I'm feeling significantly better about life.

461 homework is done (thank you thank you thank you Dave).
391 paper is...getting there...
French doesn't feel too daunting
and neither does lab.

So, what did we learn kiddies?
Katie should try harder not to freak out about school all the time.

I read Romans 8 last week, and I really like a lot of the verses in there:

18: For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed to us.

26: Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.

28: And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

31: What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can prevail against us?

35: Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
37: Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors though him that loved us.
38: For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor pricipalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
39: Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

May I add "nor 391 papers, nor 461 homework, nor post lab quizzes, nor sleepless nights, nor feelings of inadequacy shall be able to separate us from the love of God"?

Everything will work out. Things will get better. The semester will end.
I have been so richly blessed. If school is all I have to worry about, life is not so bad.
It's just hard to remember that sometimes.

?

Am I so wrong to believe it's not necessary for me to feel like I have to "fight for my life" (a la "Her Morning Elegance) every single day? It would be nice, just once, just one day this stupid, miserable, torturous semester to go to bed knowing that I did all I could and I can sleep in peace.

I stayed up all night minus the two hours I feel asleep on the couch writing my paper and therefore am allowed to wax overdramatic. I don't believe there are many things more depressing than seeing your unslept in bed the next morning.

The paper is still not finished.

girl on fire

I sort of don't have time to write anything because I'm supposed to be finishing up a 15ish page paper that's due tomorrow (I'm on page 4). But, I just couldn't stop myself from sharing this card that I bought as inspiration from the used bookstore next to Zachary's in Berkeley:

Okay. I'm sure as heck going to try.*
391 paper, you are about to get burned!

*When I showed this to my friend Sam he said, "Seems like a dangerous thing to tell a chemist." hahahaha, good thing I'm not a pyromaniac.

raindrops

I was a little girl
Alone in my little world
Who dreamed of a little home for me
I played pretend between the trees
And fed my houseguests bark and leaves
And laughed in my pretty bed of green

I had a dream
That I could fly
From the highest swing
I had a dream

Long walks in the dark
Through woods grown behind the park
I asked God who I'm supposed to be
The stars smiled down at me
God answered in silent reverie
I said a prayer and fell asleep

I had a dream
That I could fly
From the highest tree
I had a dream

My dearest friend Amanda already wrote a post with this song, but I just have to steal it and post with it too.

I feel like I have so many things to say, but I don't know how to phrase any of them. Right now it sounds like
stay in San Francisco forever, Berkeley, grad school, PhD? don't want to be lonely in California? fluorescent nano diamonds, don't pigeonhole yourself, industry v. academia, Y Chem, dreams dreams dreams

Makes sense, yeah?
Nope. But that's okay because I've got to finish a French take home test that was due yesterday (ah, what a candidate I am for grad school. goodness).

We'll talk later, okay blogging buddies?
Hope your weeks have been grand!

It's a Jimmy Eat World Song*

New idea for life direction:

1. Marry a scientist.

2. Go to Berkeley.

The order is fairly flexible on this, just as long as they both happen.

Oh, and seeing "Wicked" from the center second row...most definitely awesome. Almost as awesome as touring the above school, buying two Jhumpa Lahiri books for less than $10 a piece at the used bookstore next to Zachery's Pizza, and seeing the amazing lab of a Nobel laureate at UCSF.

I swear I never want to go home.

Next up: Genentech, shopping, cream puffs.
We know how to have fun.

*"Futures" which is currently stuck in my head

Tik Tok

So I am in San Francisco with seven of my chem/biochem major friends at the national meeting for the American Chemical Society. You can read what I wrote about some of our adventures here, on our chem blog.

Unfortunately, we still have homework. It is becoming increasingly difficult to motivate myself to do anything, such as the French take-home test due Thursday, the 15-20 page first draft of my review paper due Monday, p chem homework due Friday, two post lab quizzes due Monday, and a lab presentation due Friday.

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

All I want to do is attend lectures, tour Berkeley, see "Wicked", and get free ice cream at Ben and Jerry's.

boom roasted!

Because I have no boyfriend to text, I just have to brag:

I own chem 464 prelab quizzes!!!!

Going from getting anywhere between a 3 and a 7 on 465 quizzes last term to getting 9, 9.5, and tonight, a glorious 10 is the sweetest feeling ever.

Now I'm going to go finish my French reading and do 30 minutes of 391 writing. All while trying very hard not to fall asleep on my couch (my couch! I'm at home, and it's only midnight! This is dangerous, however, as I was at the chem building until 3 AM last night and am extremely tired today. Must. Stay. Awake.)

I hope you all are having lovely weeks. I just have one question: how do you cope with having far more to do than hours in the day/how can I get to bed earlier without changing my major?

apparently the period key on my keyboard is stuck and all i can use are exclamation marks

I need a Jones Soda!
But I'm stuck in my apartment researching liquid crystal phase changes and entropies and cannot leave!
Bring me one, and I will love you platonically forever! Unless you're an attractive, smart boy and then maybe I will love you romantically forever!

too good to be true

Remember the thermometer (see blog header above) I've spent the last four months rewiring and finally got it to work on my birthday?

Well.

We have bigger problems now.
Something was wrong with our power supply or something so the temperature in the calorimeter/cryostat (the thing the calorimeter goes in) was way hotter than the temperature we were reading off the computer and well, the solder holding the calorimeter together melted.

It is now in four lovely pieces and the inside of cryostat is fried.

Instead of rewiring a centimeter diameter, three inch tall piece of metal, we are rewiring the entire three foot tall cryostat. Estimated time of completion(isn't there a better way to say that? I can't think, I have a headache): end of August. Awesome.

I'm sort of grateful though, for all of these mishaps. They have allowed me to really learn all the little details about my instrument and my research in general. With the one postdoc in my group being the only real calorimetry expert in the lab, it's good for me to gain this kind of expertise. So I'm not complaining...

I just never thought I'd say I wish I could just rewire the thermometer again.

aftermath

There is nothing in the world a little graham canyon ice cream, stupid movie featuring Rory Gilmore, "I Gotta Feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas, and some awesome roommates won't cure.

I'm convinced.

On a happy note, I'm getting a full tuition ballroom scholarship next year. So even if I fail all of my classes and lose my academic one, I'll still be getting paid to go to school. Thank you donor!

no comment

Sun been down for days
A pretty flower in a vase
A slipper by the fireplace
A cello lying in its case

Soon she's down the stairs
Her morning elegance she wears
The sound of water makes her dream
Awoken by a cloud of steam
She pours a daydream in a cup
A spoon of sugar sweetens up

And she fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
As she goes in a store
With a thought she has caught
By a thread
She pays for the bread
And she goes...
Nobody knows

light at the end of the tunnel

let’s go said he

not too far said she

what’s too far said he

where you are said she

e. e. cummings

I saw this on Meg Fee's blog and very much liked it. Who doesn't like a little e. e. cummings every now and then? Or maybe twice in the past month...who knew I was such a fan?

All we can do is keep breathing

Late nights in the Benson simultaneously make me feel important and utterly lonely.

Just let me go to bed please.

I want to go back...

...to Burbank, April 22nd-ish through the 26th. Just a quick trip to stay with my grandma and take a break before I sell my soul to Blackpool rehearsals and Europe. Interested? I'm now accepting applications for travel buddies.
hehe
Seriously though, if you want to spend four days running around LA and the beach with me, send me a message or a text. I think I'm going to buy plane tickets sometime this week.
:)

(500) Days of Katie

I just looked at my post count, and I am actually just past the 500th mark (this is post 502). Still being in a celebratory mood though, here I am writing a post informing you of this momentous occasion!

Random thoughts:

As I was doing laundry at 8:00 on a Saturday night (tonight) I thought to myself (these are my exact thoughts) I wish I had a really good singing voice so I could be, you know, that hot, sort of indie girl who sings in the laundry room by herself on a Saturday night, but is really good, and seems cool and independent. And then I realized how weird I was and went back to my apartment.

I just remembered today that Berkeley has an element named after it. (thanks to my periodic poster hanging over my bed! Thanks Amanda!) This, combined with a much inspiring conversation among Sara, Sam, Dr. Asplund and I a couple days ago, has only heightened my desire to go to grad school there.

I already started packing for my trip to San Francisco that's in three weeks. I normally pack at 1 AM the night before, so there's a hint on how excited I am. Also, I need more business casual. And a suit.

And a valid driver's license.

And a better outline for my review paper.

And a plan for my life.

The end.

mortal kombat...and by mortal kombat I mean arguing your way into a dollar off your laser tag game

Oh my gosh, I am so lucky to have a live-in photographer to document my life. Here are some photos Natalie took from my laser double birthday bash last night. (Guess who got 2nd place at laser tag? BAM.)

Can I just say that I am a huge believer in extravagant birthdays? I love throwing parties, I love decorating for them, I love presents, I love going out to eat, etc. etc. When I'm a mom, my kids are going to have the most awesome birthdays ever. Just throwing that out there as one of my qualifications as a future wife.*

Anyway...hope you all are having great weekends!

*I feel like this would make for a highly entertaining post. My other qualifications include: curry making and knowing how to use a torque wrench. How these might come in handy, I'm not sure, but I would love to see the situation that would require them both.

They say it's your birthday...

Soo....as of March 3rd, I am officially 21! (and officially without a valid driver's license...uh oh.)

Many thanks for all of the texts, calls, facebook messages, etc. You guys are great!
My roommate Natalie, photographer extraordinaire, took a bunch of photos from our roommate trip to Spark that fully captured the essence of what a birthday is supposed to be about:

Laura made me a chocolate cake from scratch! It won the best-chocolate-cake-I've-ever-had-hands-down award.

Tastes as good as it looks...mmm....

I also went out to lunch at India Palace (chicken tikka masala, heavenly) with my mom and Becky. From my family I received all three seasons of "Avatar: the Last Airbender". You know what this means, right? Weekly marathons. I think yes.
Perhaps the best present though, was getting that dang thermometer fixed! That's what working in the lab on your birthday does for you! :D

Oh, and, I have a little announcement.
That I've known for a while, but was so scared someone was going to email me and say, "Just kidding, we really don't want you," but this week was the first prep class and no one's changed their mind yet, so:

I'm doing an internship in France this summer!!!!! AHHH!!! I get to spend May 28th through the end of August in Europe!!!! AHHHH!!!! So excited!

Anyway. There's the update on life.
You should all come play lasertag with me tonight at 8:00, for a triple celebration of my birthday, my fixing skills, and my future summer in France. :)